Small Town

 So I recently went back to Indiana to see my cousin J.D. get married. And I went with my mom, without Charlie.  I really wish he could have went, but work and money made it too hard.  But it’s okay. I saw my family, who I haven’t seen in so long. Here’s why… as a teenager you don’t want to go to family functions…. But as a child it’s the best thing in the world.

                J.D. was my favorite cousin. I always spent  time with him when I visited my Grandpa Cook. I remember spending time upstairs, sneaking into his dad’s office area, at least I think it was sneaking… Memories are kind of blurred and I have never really talked to anyone else about this. But… we played this game on the computer that had dinosaurs… I sucked, he was good. I remember when my Aunt Mary was having a garage sale and she had all these baby clothes and said she always hoped for a girl… What else… OH the biggest… J.D. and I said we would marry each other… but they we were told we couldn’t because we were cousins. Major let down….

                But so see him marry the love of his life… beautiful. Not just because it brought up memories from my wedding… but because I saw the love that everyone said they saw when Charlie and I got married. And it was beautiful. That love, that happiness… it’s magical. And I got to see it. And thinking about it now… I never would have missed J.D.’s wedding.  The wedding was sweet and the reception was fantastic. People danced! ( unlike my wedding….) It was great! And I wish the two of them everything that is love, happiness, joy, caring…. Everything that makes love .. love. 

                What else was great? Seeing my Aunt Jean, and all my cousins…. Amy, Kristy, Kevin, Zach…. All these feelings and memories just came back…. Amy… going to Cedar point and being in the backseat with you and kicking your knee right after you had that surgery. Kristy…. Watching horror movies… Creepshow… Return of the living Dead….. You started my love of horror movies and zombies… (Did they play Thriller???) Kevin… Donkey Kong.  I sucked, you kicked my ass. Going to see Batman with Poison Ivy and Arnold in it and getting home and pretending to be those characters. And playing ping pong on that game table of yours. Once again, I sucked. Zach… you were just a pain in the ass. Haha.  My Aunt Lisa taking me to the mall when the ice skating rink was in there and I really wanted to go but instead got purple velvet pants and a green velvet headband. My police Grandpa putting me an J.D. in time out… My Grandma Rash’s teddy bears… Boyd’s Bears I think….

                All I know is, it was great seeing everyone. And meeting the new additions. Kevin had a baby and got married to a SUPER CUTE girl named Tabby that I really want to get to know better, and wish we coulda had more time to talk.. but that one night I was sooooo tired and just kept thinking I have to wake up in 4 hours and get on a plane so I wasn’t the most sociable. 

 It was weird though. For once, I felt like me around all of them. I guess it comes with growing up and living life, but I felt like a version of myself that belonged for once, and I really liked it. Maybe that's what I'm missing here in Arizona. Finding that version of myself that I'm comfortable with and really fit it. Because I don't fit in Arizona. I'm a midwest country girl at heart, and that doesn't belong anywhere here in Arizona. And as much as I love Charlie's family, and Charlie... I am totally different and am still finding a hard time being myself and being excepted AS myself, not just Charlie's wife. Charlie excepts me as I am, but we are still really different.

                                                What really came to mind is the John Mellencamp song…. Small Town. And it makes me cry. I grew up in a small town. My parents grew up in a small town…. And that’s what I want for my child. I want them to meet my family and have cousins like I did. Because I know I don’t talk about it too much, and I’m not a super family person… but going back and being there made me realize how great they all are. And how I miss that. I didn’t get a lot of time growing up with them, but I have those memories and they are great memories.  Homesickness floods back when I think of all that. Maybe someday I’ll get back there…. Maybe someday I’ll get back to that small town. Because that’s what I am. Small Town.